Can't Take a Joke?
by Tsuki the Avenger
Summary: "All multidimensional conflicts should be solved with rubber chickens, fake crowbars, and sweaty sex." Harley Quinn/Jason Todd, set during the Countdown to Final Crisis 2007-2008 series, near PWP but not quite


**Can't Take a Joke?**

By TtA

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"_It wasn't easy to just sit there and watch the world start to go to Hell on the news..."_

_- Countdown to Final Crisis #6_

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The world was ending. Out of everyone there, Kyle was pretty sure he was the one who had the most experience with stopping apocalypses. It seemed sometimes that one of the Justice League's primary duties was to stop such world (or universe, or _multiverse_) catastrophes. And he knew that, out of all of the travelers, he was the only one who had ever been on the Justice League.

He stared at the hospital blue walls and tried to plan. It was difficult—his mind was foggy from being cooped up for so long and he couldn't block out the sound of Mary Marvel yelling at someone (who was he kidding; it was probably at Jason, stupid punk) in the other room.

After an hour or so, he had little more than nothing—barely the thin webs of the vague structure of a plan. But it was, he supposed, still _something_...

Kyle straightened up and walked into the other room, trying his best to project the image and aura of a leader. "Okay, listen guys! I..."

"Oh please shut up," Donna groaned. "I have a headache."

Kyle raised an eyebrow under his mask and frowned. Donna looked like she had been crying. Tensions in this space really were getting to everyone. He cleared his throat again.

"Okay, everyone _listen_! We're heroes. No matter what, it is our duty to protect the helpless. We were the ones who brought this epidemic here..."

"Even though I told you not to," Jason grumbled.

Kyle glared, but continued. "...and it is our responsibility to try and save this planet! Now, I think I have the start of a plan..."

"You _think_? The start of a plan? Oh yeah, that gives me loads of goddamn confidence," Jason said.

"...and it's risky, but I think if we plan this out right, we can really do some good." Kyle took a pad of paper from a side table and started listing the different "abnormalities," as the professor called them. "Now, my power-ring can shield me from the plague, so right now I'm the only one who can go outside. But if I contact this world's lantern, maybe we can amplify our powers enough to encase a strike team of sorts. Now, my idea for the strike team consists of Donna, Mary, Holly, and some of this world's JLA. Jimmy, you can be the go-between for communication between their headquarters and us—after all, I doubt even this world's Superman can be stern with his pal Jimmy for long." The young photographer beamed for the first time in days and nodded enthusiastically. Kyle felt himself straighten with pride. Maybe this would all come together!

"Now, staying behind to guard the facility would be Jason, Har—"

"No."

Kyle started like a bucket of cold water had been dropped on him. "What?"

Jason snarled. "I said no. First of all, I have no responsibility to do shit for this planet. I was the only one of you dickwads who said we _shouldn't_ try and save Karate Kid— that we should kill the brat and, gee I don't know, save the _universe_ in the meantime!" Kyle saw Donna wince as if she had been slapped. "Second, if I know where you're going with this little list. If I was going to help out your stupid plan at all, you know I'd be better out on the strike team than little miss Amazon reject here. So, the only reason you're leaving me behind is because you don't want to work with me. And that's fine—I don't want to work with you either. But I refuse to stay back here and play solitaire with that psychotic clown's whore and claim it's for the greater good!"

The crash of Harley's chair hitting the wall echoed loudly throughout the room. Mary and Holly barely had time to launch forward and grab her by the shoulders before she was just inches away from Jason, fingers curled as if to scratch at his eyes.

"DON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY PUDDIN', YOU JERK!"

"Um, Harley," Holly sighed, "shouldn't you be angrier about the 'whore' comment?"

Harley paused and looked up, confused. "Huh? What about it?"

Mary groaned and let go of Harley's arm. "You know what? I don't have the energy right now to think about any plan. I'm going to go take a nap."

"Now _that_ is a good idea," Donna sighed. Her face looked pale, her eyes defeated. As the heroes and abnormalities slowly trickled out of the room, Kyle looked around wide-eyed.

"B-but... but guys..."

"Don't worry, Greeny," Jason smirked. "I'm sure it was a great plan. Real JLA material." His voice dripping with sarcasm, the former Robin clapped Kyle on the back and left the room as well.

.

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Jason was dreaming. It wasn't a particularly good dream, but considering that the world outside of the dream was currently being attacked by a zombie-werewolf plague, it was the best he could hope for.

He was in Crime Alley, sitting on a fire-escape, watching the Gotham. His chest was tight with anticipation, waiting, watching. Suddenly, he was a small child again. He started to panic as the sun set and the air began to get cold. He shuddered and tried to wrap his small arms around himself. He began to miss his mother (_not the one in Africa, not the one who sold him out to the Joker, not the one he never knew as a child, oh no... never miss her_) began to miss the smell of her hair and the slow burn of the hot chocolate that she always made a little too warm.

Jason tensed as the sky lit up and the image pained Jason's young eyes— the Bat signal. He was an adult again, and almost against his will, his body lurched forward, down the fire-escape, running toward the image of the modified search-light. Toward the smell of sweat and leather, toward the feeling of excitement and blood and violence. Toward Batman. Toward Bruce...

Jason's eyes snapped open as he felt the bed dip next to him. His hand darted under his pillow, grabbing for his knife. Which wasn't where it was supposed to be. "Wuh..."

A giggle sounded above him. "Looking for something, bird brain?"

Jason rolled over, snarling, only to freeze and stare wide-eyed at the sight above him. In the dark, in the shadows, was a crowbar swinging down at him full-speed.

Jason took a full second to react, to get out of the way just in time for the air of the weapon to _whoosh_ by him. Jason grabbed the shadowy figure and pulled it down to the bed, using the cotton sheets as binding to twist around his attacker.

"Ahhh! That hurts!" The shadow whined in a high, girly voice. "Geeze, can't you take a joke?"

Jason blinked the sleep from his eyes and looked at the attacker again. "...Harley?"

"I mean, it's not like it's a real crowbar or anything. I just made it outta a plastic strip. It wouldn't hurtcha!"

Jason blinked again. Maybe this was still a dream. In fact, it had to be. No one would really do something that idiotic.

"I mean, I had to do something! What kinda woman would I be if I just took what you dished out like that? And besides, it was funny! Ha, you should have seen the look on your—urk!" Jason jerked the sheet around Harley's neck and pulled. Hard.

"AH! What are you doing? You wanna kill me or something? Sheesh!"

Jason growled deep in his throat. "Shut up. Just... shut up. That was... you goddamn bitch... you know I should kill you for pulling that... how stupid can you... God, I'm going to have nightmares for months..." The former Robin closed his eyes and tried to get his breathing under control. "How did you even know?"

"Huh?" Harley pushed herself up on her elbows and looked up at Jason. "Oooh, ya mean about Mr. J smashing your brains out awhile back? Awe, he used to brag about it all the time. It's one of his favorite stories! And between you gettin' all hot and bothered whenever we ran into a Batman and Miss Wondy Girl talkin' about you resurrecting from the dead, I just put six and six together to get a dozen chocolate eggs!"

Jason stared at the girl with the blond pigtails for a moment in silence. "Wonderful," he finally muttered.

Jason untwisted the bed sheets, allowing Harley to sit up and slide out of her cotton captivity. Once free, she pursed her lips into a pout and batted her eyes. "Heh. Come on, bird boy—when you think about it, isn't it even a little bit funny?"

"Not a little. Now get out."

"Awwwwwe, but..."

"Get. The. Fuck. Out."

Harley smirked and, instead of retreating, slid closer to Jason. "Come on, kid! Let's see that frown turn upside down!"

Jason gritted his teeth. "Stop acting like that fucking clown."

Harley giggled. "What, you mean like this?"

Harley didn't know what to expect when she pressed her luck and tapped Red Hood on the forehead with the plastic crowbar. Sure, she knew she was pushing it, but it was so funny to get this guy steamed up. Like Batman, actually—his voice got all serious and growly. It was funny!

Okay, yeah, so maybe she should have guessed that he would freak out—which seemed to be the best way to describe the way he threw her down on the bed and grabbed her around the throat, strangling her, his legs pressing hers down to stop her from struggling his fist tightening and cutting off her air...

But, as her puddin' had always said, 'There's something funny about every situation! You just have to know where to look.'

And right now, something very funny was poking into her thigh. Harley grinned, which seemed to startle Jason enough that his grip on her throat slipped and loosened. With a new breath of air, Harley started laughing.

"Jesus," Jason's voice was tense, "what is your damage? What's so funny?"

Harley began to laugh even harder, tears springing to her eyes as she struggled to get out a coherent explanation. "Is that... snrk... is that a crowbar in your pocket, big boy, or are you just happy to see me?"

Jason's eyes went wide as a blush spread across his face. Before Harley would have had the chance to say "Wowza," Jason had bolted off of her and was on the other end of the small bed.

"I... look it's..." Jason gritted his teeth, seemingly at a loss for words.

"Strangling a girl get you hot and horny? Or was it the crowbar? Gotta bit of a death kink, Jay-jay?"

"No! And God, don't call me that." Jason bit his lip and sighed loudly. "It's not you, okay you stupid bitch? You woke me up from a dream."

"Ooooh," Harley scooted closer to Jason, wrapping her arm around his shoulder like a best friend. "Who was the dream about? Wait, let me guess—Donna, right? I caught you staring at her chest at least twice today."

Jason winced. "Okay, first, it's none of your business who I dream about. And two, no, Donna is like my older sister! Er..." Jason smirked. "Okay, maybe more like a really hot, distant cousin. But still—family. Kinda."

"Hmm, okay," Harley snuggled even closer. "Mary seems too young to be your type. You like 'em rougher, right? Holly?"

"Cool, but no."

"Ah! The Lantern then! All that manly pissing-contest bickering is just a mask for sexual tension, right? It's like a sitcom!"

"No."

"Huh... it wasn't the monitor guy, was it? That's a bit weird. I mean, with the red skin and stupid hair and everything. Still, he had pretty big feet so..."

"Ugh, no! Geeze, it's no one we're traveling with okay? And what happened to, 'it's none of your business'..."

"Huh?" Harley shrugged. "Oh yeah, I just ignored that comment." Jason rolled his eyes as Harley's hand traced his back.

"You know, I'm still mad at you," Jason said. "I really am not going to be able to sleep through the night for like a month. Seriously. You can thank your 'puddin' for fucking up my dreams so thoroughly that I can't even see a crowbar at a shipping house without a freaking nightmare afterward..."

"Well, no wonder you're so cranky!" Harley laughed, squeezing Jason's shoulder. "No sleep and no sex? This trip must just be torture for you! I mean, what do you do when you wake up on the multiuniversal wrong side of the bed?"

Jason smirked. "Pick a fight with Kyle?"

"That's it? Huh. You sure you don't have a hard on for him?"

There was that growl again. You know, it was kinda hot too...

"I'm sure." As if to prove his point, Jason reached over and wrapped his hand around Harley's right breast. As he smirked, he squeezed deliberately and hard.

"Nnn... I thought you said Mr. Happy wasn't for me."

"Wasn't. But I can't get back to sleep now, and it's all your fault. And you keep wanting to talk about nothing but sex, so... you game, psycho?"

She laughed. "Well, how can I resist a romantic invitation like that?" Harley shifted forward, biting Jason's neck, then his ear, until she licked her tongue across his forehead and down the side of his face before latching onto his mouth. She liked being playful when she kissed, constantly pushing forward then pulling deliberately back.

Before too long, Jason clearly became impatient. He grasped at the curve of her back to keep her in place as he used his other hand to grab a fist full of her hair, pushing her face into his violently.

"Ah! Impatient much?" Harley gasped. "What are you trying to do? Choke me on your tongue? And geeze, watch your hands—those guns could bruise!"

"Jesus, Quinn, you've had sex with the psychopath himself—don't try and tell me this is too rough for you."

"I'll have you know that Mr. J is actually quite the gentleman!"

"Ugh, you know what? I don't want to know. At all. Ever."

"Well, you brought it up!"

"Look, do you want to fuck or not? Because I... Mrmph!" Harley tackled Jason to the bed with another kiss.

After a few more moments of awkwardness, Jason was maneuvered out of his pajama pants and Harley's smiley face tee shirt was pushed over her breasts, over her head, and tossed onto the floor. Jason grabbed her right breast again, harder this time, making her yelp and squirm against him. Then he took his attention to the left, attacking the exposed nipple first with his teeth, then with his tongue.

At the same time, Jason's left hand slid up between Harley's pale thighs. As he reached the thin strip of her purple, damp underwear, he began to rub his index finger in a semi-circle. "Still too rough?" he asked.

"Naw..." she sighed. "I mean, you're not gonna be winning any awards for subtlety, but it feels pretty good."

"Just _pretty_ good?" A dark chuckle escaped from Jason's mouth as he shoved his hand under the purple fabric. Harley howled and jerked back for a moment.

"Jesus! Warn a girl before you... ooooooh..."

"You like that, Quinn?" Jason whispered into her ear. "Like it enough that you want me to fuck you? Want Batman's little kid sidekick to make you come?" Harley just threw her head back and moaned in response.

Jason chuckled quietly and pulled his hand out of her underwear, wiping his sticky fingers on Harley's thigh dramatically. Slowly, her pulled down her panties and started to move forward.

"Wait!" Harley rolled over and fished around blindly for her clothes on the floor. "Ah, here it is— even super villains like safe sex, baby!" She threw the foil condom square at his forehead, grinning wildly.

Jason stared at the condom for a moment. "Uh, Harl? Not that I'm opposed or anything, but when did you get this?"

"Huh? Oh, before we started universe jumping. Don't worry it's not that old."

"Before... wait, so all that time you were running around being empowered with the Amazons, you were carrying a condom around in your toga?"

"I was a girl scout! I like to be prepared, okay? Now, hurry up and put that on or put that mouth to better use!"

Jason chuckled as he ripped open the foil. "You're bossy, clowny."

"Yeah, well, you need to be bossed, dead boy."

Jason pulled Harley down on the bed again, his body pressed over hers, his hand loose along her throat as if in parody of his earlier attack. Harley could smell sweat and arousal and latex, could feel the very tip of Jason's erection teasing her.

"Oh yeah?" Jason's voice was low and gravely. Oh yeah, that was definitely the kid's version of the Batman voice. "Well then what should I do now?"

.

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"...and then the little raccoon says, 'Hey! Where's the cream filling?'" Harley raised her eyebrows dramatically and grinned.

Jason just stared straight at her, doing his best to look scary and annoyed, which was a little difficult to do while his dick was still half-hard and flopping against Harley's hip. "And you thought it was a good idea to reference a Twinkie commercial when I was in the middle of coming because...?"

"God, you really need a sense of humor!" Harley gave Jason a punch on the shoulder and rolled off of the bed. She pulled her tee shirt back on and twirled her fingers through her messy hair. "Well, that was fun, sport."

"Yeah," Jason sighed. "I guess it was." Harley stuck her tongue out at him and he laughed in surprise. "Okay, okay—it _really_ was."

"See? Jokes bring people together!" Harley laughed and flashed a V-for-victory sign with her fingers. "All multidimensional conflicts should be solved with rubber chickens, fake crowbars, and sweaty sex!"

Jason rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well next time leave the crowbar at home."

Harley grinned and picked the plastic strip up off the floor as she walked out of the room. "I think I can do that— next time."

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_**END**_


End file.
